The thing that haunts a guy is the stuff he wasn't ordered to do.

Take these three items, some WD-40, a vice grip, and a roll of duct tape. Any man worth his salt can fix almost any problem with this stuff alone.

I've been called a lot of things, but never funny.

Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while you shouldn't have !#*^%%@ with? That's me.

Get off my lawn!

Everybody blames the Lutherans.